I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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