Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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