Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
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He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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