i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
