Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Pooping to opera.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
