meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I want her autograph on my taint
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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