Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have aggressive nipples.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
