Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
