apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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