i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
