So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
