How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
