i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
