she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
