dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
