I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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