His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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