1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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