Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
