When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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