I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
