Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She told me I should be a condom model.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
