good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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