So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
