Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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