My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
