The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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