She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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