I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
