Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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