I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
