4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
