Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
