so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
