i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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