Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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