i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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