it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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