She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
