If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
