census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
