sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You took a bar mat shot.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
