apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.