well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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