I'm drive I can fine osifer
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
