Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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