I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
