Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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