I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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