Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
