You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
