I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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