I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
