Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
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We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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