I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
