The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
