I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
