Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
