i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
