I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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