bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
