Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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