Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
